How To Get Under A Narcissists Skin

InnervisionArt/Shutterstock

Source: InnervisionArt/Shutterstock

A tendency toward narcissism is present in everyone, to more or less of a degree. Sometimes you don't know if someone's particularly high in this personality quality until y'all've gotten deeply involved in a human relationship and come to realize that the very qualities that attracted you lot to a person are the narcissistic qualities that now annoy you. Yous may have a sibling, parent, or some other relative whose narcissistic personality traits you're forced to confront but can't command or challenge. Or you may exist forced to piece of work with a dominate, co-worker, teacher, student, or employee with stiff egotistic tendencies.

Just because some people are narcissists doesn't mean they're unlovable. People high in narcissism may also be fun, charismatic, or good at what they do. Having them around gives you more pleasure than hurting and, in the workplace, enhance your team's success. You may, if you accept a choice in the affair, adopt the idea of "reforming" the narcissist in your life rather than leaving him or her by the wayside. (Some people's narcissism may make them and so vulnerable to rejection that you fear that harm will come to them if you lot shunt them aside.)

Types of narcissists

Not all narcissists are created alike, so the style you choose to handle one in your life should be based on which blazon yous're dealing with. University of Nottingham psychologist Vincent Egan and collaborators (2014), questioned a sample of over 850 online participants to decide the human relationship between subjective well-being and narcissistic personality tendencies.

Previous researchers have distinguished between "vulnerable" and "grandiose" narcissistic types:

A vulnerable narcissist'southward outward shell of self-centeredness and self-assimilation masks a weak inner core.
In contrast, grandiose narcissists truly believe in their own greatness—and they may even exist virtually as good equally they call up they are.

Both are varieties of narcissism, but particularly those of the grandiose type may share the larger "Night Triad" traits, forth with and so-called "Machiavellianism" (manipulativeness) and psychopathy (lack of remorse and empathy).

People loftier in both narcissism and Machiavellianism, Egan and team signal out, are the ones who actually get under your skin. Their animosity makes them specially difficult to live with, and they'll almost always arrive the way of your accomplishing your goals. Machiavellian narcissists have mastered the fine art of i-upmanship as they try to show their superiority while steamrolling over anybody else's feelings and opinions.

Egan and collaborators pointed out that no previous researchers had looked at the part of emotions, especially positive emotions, in studies of the Dark Triad. They believed that narcissism might have differing relationships to happiness than would psychopathy and Machiavellianism. In other words, it might be possible to be a happy narcissist—but less possible to be a happy psychopath or manipulator.

In Egan et al.'s written report, participants rated themselves on a general personality test that provided ratings on the "Big V" or "5 Factor" traits of Extroversion, Emotional Stability/Neuroticism, Agreeableness, Openness to Experience, and Conscientiousness. They besides rated their "Night Triad" personality qualities. Their subjective well-being was assessed with 1 calibration measuring happiness and some other measuring their satisfaction with life.

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Later condensing and analyzing the scores on all of these measures, Egan'southward squad was able to identify 4 groups within the sample—vulnerable narcissists; grandiose narcissists; a grouping identified by their overall unhappiness; and, finally, one identified by overall happiness and depression narcissism scores.

Comparing the two groups of narcissists, Egan and colleagues found that the grandiose narcissists tended to exist happier, more than extroverted, and more emotionally stable. The vulnerable narcissists were less amusing, less emotionally stable, and higher in the other Nighttime Triad traits of manipulativeness and psychopathy.

How to manage your emotions around a narcissist

With these findings as background, let'south examine ways that you can manage your own emotions when you're dealing with people high in narcissism:

Determine which type you lot're dealing with. Vulnerable narcissists don't feel specially good about themselves at heart. In contrast to grandiose narcissists, they're less "out there" with their emotions, and so you might not realize when they're undercutting you or getting in your way. If you're trying to put people in your family or on your piece of work team to best use, the grandiose narcissist might be your all-time ally—as long equally you tin get that person on lath with your overall group'due south goals.
Acknowledge your badgerer. As noted above, narcissists can be combative and get under your peel. If yous're trying to get something done, and one person is always interrupting or trying to shine the spotlight on himself or herself, recognizing where your frustration is coming from can help requite you the strength you need to put a stop to it.
Appreciate where the behavior comes from. Vulnerable narcissists need to make themselves feel amend almost themselves, which is why they can become sneaky and undercutting. They may question your authority just to create mischief. Once you recognize that they are coming from a place of insecurity, you can provide them with merely enough reassurance to get them to settle down and focus on what needs to be done. Too much reassurance and you lot'll fan their egoistic flames, but the correct amount volition allow them to at-home downward and get to the task at manus.
Evaluate the context. Narcissism is not an all-or-goose egg personality trait. Some situations may elicit a person's insecurities more than others. Let'southward say a adult female was turned down for a promotion she wanted very much, and now must go along to work with the person who got the chore. Her insecurity will simply worsen with time, leading her to become defensively narcissistic, vindictive, and spiteful. If y'all know a person similar this, it's of import to remember that the situation helped create the monster with whom you must now interact.
Maintain a positive outlook. If y'all are dealing with narcissists who derive pleasure from watching others suffer, so seeing the pain they crusade will but egg them on to more aggressive counter-behavior. Don't look ruffled, even if you're feeling bellyaching, and eventually that behavior will diminish in frequency. Furthermore, past keeping the previous tips in heed, you may be able to aid ease the situation so things actually improve.
Don't permit yourself get batty. It's easy to lose your own sense of purpose or goals when a narcissist tries to accept center phase. You don't need to attend to everything this person says or does, no matter how much he or she clamors for your attention. Notice the balance between moving ahead in the management you lot want to pursue and alleviating the vulnerable narcissist'due south anxieties and insecurities. If it's a grandiose blazon of narcissist, you may want to acknowledge his or her feelings but then move on anyhow.
Keep your sense of humor. Calling a narcissist's bluff may hateful that you lot ignore the person, merely it might also mean that you meet that bluff with a express joy at least once in a while. Without existence cruel about it, y'all can bespeak to the inappropriateness of the person's egocentric behavior with a smile or joke. This would be especially appropriate for the grandiose blazon of narcissist, who will probably observe it entertaining and possibly instructive.
Recognize that the person may need assistance. Because some narcissists truly have low self-esteem and profound feelings of inadequacy, it's important to recognize when they can benefit from professional intervention. Despite the belief that personality is immutable, psychotherapy research shows that people tin alter even long-standing behaviors. Bolstering the private's self-esteem may not exist something you can tackle on your own, but information technology is something you can piece of work on with outside help.

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References

Reference: Egan, V., Chan, Southward., & Shorter, G. W. (2014). The Night Triad, happiness and subjective well-being. Personality And Individual Differences, 6717-22. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2014.01.004